One Year

We are rounding out a year of the Pandemic.

Tell me how you are doing. I’ll start. It’s been a rollercoaster. I’ve learned many things about myself and some of it with much resistance. I remember hugs, but have only had a few in the past 12 months. Those have been deeper, tighter, and longer than in the past. I’ve sat alone and watched my anxiety, and ADHD play out in front of me like a stage performance. I’ve laughed harder than I usually do and I’ve cried harder too. When there’s no where to go and no one to see, the redness and swelling of your eyes doesn’t have to be disguised or covered up. I’ve deepened relationships-rekindled some and forged new ones, all with the click of a key on a computer. I’ve slowed down. A TON.

My dogs get more walks. I hear the birds. I watch clouds.I traveled across the country during election week, and witnessed the extreme diversity of our country. I found most people willing to look me in the eyes and smile but for brief moments as we passed at rest stop. I stopped compulsively cleaning. Yeah, that was my jam. Always a perfectly spotless house. I’ve shopped more online than ever. It’s too easy not to. I should stop.

I learned that phone calls are a thing! Voices are gold. Walking with a masked friend while maintaining distance is a rare and luxuriously intimate experience. I learned that I prefer my own cooking. I spent a lifetime going out with friends and family, but it wasn’t the restaurant food or the bar drinks that I craved-it was the company.

I lost my high level of athletic fitness after a severe bout with Covid. This has been devastating to me as a person, an athlete, and a coach. Ten months later, and I still struggle with endurance or intensity. Depression slithered in. I gained weight. I drank more. I started having panic attacks again. I told myself it was ok. I stopped sleeping. I almost stopped caring. My inner badass, competitor self called a halt to that nonsense though and I got back on a new track. I’m been working out regularly again since November, and eating clean and healthy. My workouts are shorter and with less intensity as BC (before Covid) but they are consistent. Oh, yeah, and I take more rest days.

I’m doing dry January. Guess what? I’m sleeping again!

I’ve taken online classes in subjects I’d never otherwise allowed the time to pursue. Irish step dancing! Spiritual classes. I played around with a few online dating sites just for fun. Good Lord that’s quite the wormhole.I got certified to teach Gravity Yoga. This was a personal journey to heal my broken spine. It’s working more than I could have dreamed. Now I’m conducting Zoom classes for individuals and groups. WHO KNEW?

I bought some beautiful paint by number kits and started one 2 months ago. It triggered all my “perfectionistic” obsessions and it sits half done on my dining room table. If I never finish it, that’s ok. I’ve watched more TV this year than all the past 40 years of my life. Most of it isn’t memorable and I forgot the names of the shows and movies I watched. I have all but stopped watching the news this month. I can’t personally change anything happening in the world today, except for in my own little corner, so why ingest all that negative energy?

I have a new mantra, thanks to Russel Wilson, courtesy of his brother, Harry: ” I am made for this.” And thanks to Trevor Moawad, I’m working on keeping my mind neutral. When things are negative, and you can’t go to the positive, at least keep your mind neutral. I love that one.

I’m almost ready to donate most of my clothes. I dragged and shipped boxes of clothes, shoes, and boots across 3400 miles, just to set up a closet and take up space. Sure, some day I’ll wear them again, but the variety holds no allure to me now. Except for my running shoes. I can never have enough of those, don ‘t-cha know.

I don’t bother with makeup anymore. Once in a while, but not every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’l slather that shit on and don a glamorous dress and spike heels to celebrate the end of this nightmare pronto! I haven’t given up my love for all things sparkly that much.

Speaking of the end of this nightmare, I’m longing for that day. We will emerge different, but more aware. I believe we will have changed, but most of us will be more authentic. I hope. When we can safely discover the new normal, the new “free from the virus” normal, please don’t be shocked when I grab hold of you, squeeze you tightly, bury my head in your chest and bawl my eyes out. I love you all.

Until then…

What a Panic

Do you remember as a kid saying things like, “That was a panic!” Or, “What a panic!” when you and your friends had a crazy, fun, spaztastic time? I’m talking about those times when you laughed so hard, snot came out your nose, and maybe you accidentally peed your pants?  I’m not sure of the origin of this expression, and I don’t recall how old I was when I stopped using it. It came to mind recently, though, for reasons that weren’t too funny.

If you are familiar with my blog, you know that I started writing when I was rehabbing from a nasty foot injury, caused by (ignorantly) overtraining for my first marathon. (Read about that here.) You would have learned about my  injuries, diseases, allergies, asthma, and other obstacles that I regularly deal with in my life and in my athletic training.  I have dedicated countless hours to learning how to overcome these challenges, by  studying the science of exercise, nutrition, training, hypnosis, and meditation, all in an effort to not only help MYSELF, but to arm myself with the tools I needed to coach others in the running and triathlon community.

Very proud to have earned this certification

Very proud to have earned this certification

Lots of my friends and fans believe I have it all together. Flattering, but come on,  do you really believe that anybody  has it ALL together? No way; some of us simply master the skills of making it look that way.

Training for any athletic competition takes dedication, time, discipline, and perseverance. Throw obstacles in the way, and there are ALWAYS obstacles, and the athlete has to find a way to overcome them. For me, the three main obstacles I am faced  with  are: allergies, asthma, and blisters on my right foot. OK, no biggie- there are things I can use to treat these, right? Well, not so simple. Regular use of most allergy medicines has been linked to early onset Dementia and Alzheimers. Flonase is linked to Cataracts- and I have the start of one in my left eye from long term use! Blisters? Well, I continue to try just about everything out there….

During my Ironman training in 2015, I suffered from severe seasonal allergy symptoms, which put a serious strain on my running training. I found myself getting asthma attacks while training out doors all Spring and into mid Summer. I’m talking stop-in-my-tracks-bent-over-gasping-for-air-to-the-point-of-almost-passing-out attacks. Consequently, my long distance running abilities suffered. After long training bike rides, I would often end up with my eyes swollen , red, and itchy, and three times wound up with sinus infections.  (That’s another story that is unfolding as we speak)

Bound and determined NOT to suffer the same ill fated training season this year, I decided to get a complete physical, and bring my entire list of complaints to my doctor and see what she recommended.  While I do have allergies, and exercise induced asthma, it turns out that the biggest surprise diagnosis is PANIC ATTACKS. What? Yeah, those ATTACKS I kept having where I start wheezing, gasping for air,  getting hysterical, and nearly fainting? Panic attacks. They start out like asthma symptoms, but quickly morph into the most terrifying, heart palpitating, can’t breath, throat closed, “fear of imminent death” panic attacks. I can’t describe the absolute all encompassing primal terror that I experience during these attacks. They can last for minutes or hours, and the severity of them can bring me to my knees. Both my boyfriend and my coach have witnessed the episodes, while we ran together, and now we know what is actually happening.

I have had these attacks a few times in my past. I remember having one  on an airplane flying home from China. It was like the plane was closing in and suffocating me, and I was completely helpless to survive another minute. I hyperventilated, and death-gripped the  tray table in front of me, all the while struggling to suppress a guttural scream. Another time was in an elevator in Denver,  and a few times while driving in Portland. The driving one’s prompted me to seek medical attention immediately, fearing I was having a heart attack. BUT, these were all years ago and so much in my life has  changed since then. I am healthier, happier, and stronger. So what the heck???

This past weekend, it happened again, and it came out of nowhere, at a time that I never would have guessed. It started in the swim portion of the Pine Hollow Triathlon, after warming up for several minutes in the crystal clear, comfortable water, in the most peaceful, serene setting.

Pine Valley

I started swimming competitively in Kindergarten. In open water in the Long Island Sound. With jelly fish, and seaweed. I am not afraid of swimming in open water, like many people. So, after my first few strokes that morning, when I started hyperventilating, and wheezing, I was caught completely off guard. The intense panic set in suddenly, and in less than a minute after the start, I rolled over onto my back, and briefly thought about quitting. I was terrified, gasping for air, and confused-desperate, more like, and frantically tried to find relief. I did a few breast strokes to try and keep myself afloat, and summoned every ounce of my will to move forward and continue the swim. I know how to swim; I know how to make myself relax in the water. I know ALL the tricks. Nothing worked. I swam, trying to breath every stroke, all the while fearing that I couldn’t get enough air. I sighted the red buoy that marked the turn around point, and it never seemed to get any closer. I felt my wetsuit crushing my neck, my chest, and my shoulders. The breaths I took sounded like screams. I prayed that it would end. 850 yards. Just under 16 minutes. No relief. When I exited the water, I was dizzy from hyperventilating, and in an agitated state. I don’t remember much of the run-or walk, I should say, to my bike. I got out of the wetsuit, got my shoes, glasses and helmet on, and took off. The bike course was hilly and I never caught my breath. This  aepisode lasted until the 9th mile, when it fizzled. The rest of the race was more brutal because it was 91 degrees with no shade, and the 4 mile run, was on a technical trail with lots of gravel, steep hills, downed trees to climb over, and my body was spent. Here’s the funny part. In all my hysteria, I managed to be the 2nd overall female finisher, and 1st in my age group.

2nd place finisher

2nd place finisher

There you go. I couldn’t believe it.

SO! I am learning to identify the warning signs. I have started to take proactive actions when my body starts spiraling. I now have medication for the times when it comes on suddenly, and I need the help. Thankfully, I do NOT need daily medication, as many people with anxiety disorders require. (Been there, done that, thank you very much) I also have a new app on my phone called Calm that reminds me every day when to meditate, and guides me through a 5-10 minute relaxing meditation.

Strangely enough, I am more excited about this diagnosis, that you would think. Up until now, I thought that I was powerless to the negative effects my seasonal allergies had on me, and doubted the benefit of my Albuterol Inhaler. I felt doomed to suffer and fight through every Spring and Summer. Now, however, I know there is something I can do to fight this thing and hopefully become equipped to defeat it! I am not powerless to this challenge anymore! This past weekend gave me the chance to test it, and once again, I was able to power through.

IF you suffer from anxiety disorders, please get help. Talk to your doctor. Meditate. Do yoga. Equip yourself with tools to get you through it.  I have a lot to learn, and hope to beat this.

finished